MY VERY OWN :3

A quick recap of everything I've tried to cook since the beginning of university life two and a half years ago (excluding the ones I've already posted in the post entitled Food & Me. Hehehe.) This one is nostalgic since I only felt the sudden urge of doing this post after surfing through my old albums on Facebook and seeing these photos of food I made in the past when I used to live in a place with a kitchen. Let's just say now I live quite far from the comforts and joys of a kitchen and I haven't cooked that much ever since, except the times when I get to spend the holidays at home...and I just miss cooking right now. I just really love to cook, although I never stated I was an expert. Lol. Check out Food & Me if you wanna know why. Just don't expect much professionalism. Hehe. :9

So here they are, in no particular timeline.

Cheese Omelet, this was yummy

Chicken Steak with Mushroom Sauce and Cherry Tomatoes, first try ever, wasn't that good, but I was happy with it

Sausage and tomatoes, and I really, really loved the roasted tomatoes, or burnt tomatoes, whatever you'd call it, but I basically just love tomatoes

Bok Coy with Shitake Mushroom and Chicken, I think I used oyster sauce, this one I liked too, yep

Cap Cay, this one was an utter failure, I was so regretful I had to waste all the vegetables on this, I couldn't finish it all because the taste was too strong yet the veggies were rigid...

Boiled Potatoes with Butter and Sauted Mushroom, I think I meant to make some kind of mushroom sauce, but when I poured it over the potatoes it just...flooded the plate

Okay I never succeed in making pancakes, but this wasn't bad, thanks to the sauted mushrooms and the fried egg (I never like my eggs half-cooked), it was quite good actually

Yep a confusing combo, crab sticks with sauted mushrooms and burnt / roasted tomatoes, but it was nice, sometimes I just like to put everything in..., of course if I wasn't serving anybody

Those were some of the random cooking I did while living alone in the university phase of my life with a kitchen at my place. As you can see some are really random, I know. I mean, I just cook to make myself feel satisfied most of the time.

The following, I hope, are less random, since the cooking is done at home and mostly served for my family of four. :)

My mom made the steak and I made the barbecue sauce, it was gooddd~

Thick-as-your-thumb Beef Burger, yes I've always wanted to make really thick burgers ever since I saw that Oprah Winfrey show about the best burgers in the U.S. Well, now, I can make my own. And my family loved it. That time was the first time ever, the beef mixed with garlic, onion, a pinch of salt, a pinch of pepper, olive oil..., and well I think that was it. :3

Salmon Steak, as you can see this was made for breakfast, I don't know whether that was the perfect time to eat a salmon steak, but I just couldn't wait to cook the salmon already. I wanted to use asparagus but I couldn't find it so I used, um, I forgot the English for "buncis", lol, but you can see it in the picture. I also wanted to use Hollandaise sauce, but I think the flavor was too strong I didn't decide to pour it over the salmon.

This was basically just Paprika, Smoke Beef, and Bread. It was sooo GOOD, I mean, if you love Paprika. It was all spicy and hot and delicious, but I was using French Bread, whose outer brown part was really stiff, it was too late to discover I should've cut off the brown part.

Roasted Lemon Chicken, I don't know what I did wrong, but the lemons kind of added this bitter taste to the juice and all, but apart from that all was good. I was really excited I finally got to cook a whole chicken. :)

Aren't Paprika beautiful? This time I cut off the outer brown part of the French Bread, and now, it tasted better.

Below are some baking I did at home. Baking cakes is harddd-uh, it's really harder than cooking normal food! My only success was with the Oreo Cheesecake, which I liked hehe. Not that the rest were failures, it's just that they didn't exceed my good expectations of how it would turn out. :3

Oreo Cupcakes and M&M Cupcakes, the first time I tried to bake cupcakes ever, and I realized later on I should have used stronger cups that didn't allow the dough to scatter all over the place

That one above was a Chocolate Frosting Cake I wouldn't talk about much because it failed me; I didn't succeed in making a soft, spongy cake. The following, though, I liked very much...

Oreo Cheesecake! The only flaw was that little bit of ruin at the top of the cake, not the black ones, those are Oreo, but the that roundish thing in the center. And another case of overuse of water, but in the end it didn't matter. Because it was good, and I was happy, and my brother liked it. :)

Of course there are many cooking that went unappreciated through photographs because I just wanted to eat the food already lol...

I am just really hungry right now. And really craving to cook!

Okay guys, another excerpt from another story of mine...

Remember that Pride and Prejudice post where I wrote that ever since I saw that movie, I couldn't get it out of my head and every fictional idea of a story that appeared in my head since then had been centered upon and inspired by the chronicles of Darcy and Elizabeth's love story? Um, yeah I think I said something like that.

Well, this one down here is one of them. I know I said last time I was working on one of my stories entitled A Vintage Dressed Up Fiction, but the truth is I'm working on many stories at once because my inability to focus on just one. Only this one is like, one of the promising ones, lol *hopefully*.

So this is an excerpt of it called Pride Meets Prejudice When Lily Meets Cam by me -yeah, I know the title itself expresses my huge devotion to that story written by Jane Austen and I did it on purpose. Hey Bridget Jones' Diary was written as some kind of modern and twisted version of Pride and Prejudice, so I figured, it's alright for me to write my own version. Hehe. I'm posting it because I NEED SOMEONE TO READ IT. Other than my brother, who read it only because I forced him to which afterwards he surprisingly said he was actually curious about their future, lol.

I hope y'all like it.

*

*An excerpt from Pride Meets Prejudice When Lily Meets Cam

December
Lily Brown was reading the script of the next play by the lake, practicing the lines at her usual spot. There was a part where she had to sing the soprano playing the piano again, this time ala nineteenth-century damsel in distress, and she practiced that too, trying not to sing too loudly, even though there was nobody around. All of a sudden, when she looked up from her bench, she was surprised to see the most unexpected face standing there in front of her a few feet away: the distant Cameron Sarazen. She didn’t know how long he’d been there.

“Hi,” he spoke first.

“Hi,” she replied, bewildered and embarrassed, not sure whether Cameron often went to see her plays or not.

“I liked your singing,” he said surprisingly.

Lily flushed at this abrupt all the same pleasant compliment. “Thanks. Um, what brings you here?”

He shrugged. “I usually walk by the lake weekends.”

Lily didn’t believe it. “Really? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Are you here often?” he asked.

“Most afternoons, yeah.”

“The afternoon is the loveliest part of the day here, isn’t it?” he pointed out.

“Yes, it is. As you can see…” She gestured at the horizon and attempted a smile.

Amazingly, he smiled back, although timidly. She scrutinized his face to make out what he was really intending to say, but he soon revealed it himself.

“Lily… I want us to be friends. You’re the first real-life character I could ever admire in my life. I’ve been watching you and you’re different from everyone else I know. You’re the only one in the world right now who lives up to my expectations of a friend, and who is therefore worth being friends with. Despite your gossipy friends, even in the case of the boys, and your lack of good connections, I’d like to be friends with you from now on.”

Lily didn’t know what to say, she hadn’t been expecting anything like this at all. It now felt like being inside an inflating balloon, as the surrounding pressure rose and crushed against your head, forcing into your ear tubes, trying to block every sound from vicinity, your head threatening to explode – but before being inside that inflating balloon, she could swear to God, she had imagined a candle being lit and melting to the fire… If that made sense.

“Wha-?”

“You, it’s been only you for the past few weeks. It’s always been just me, but now, it’s you,” he emphasized.

Lily was silent… Was this supposed to be a compliment? But the vision of the candle had gone and the pressure inside the balloon was driving her mad – the balloon popped. She stood up abruptly, and burst saying, not entirely rudely, “Despite my gossipy friends? And my lack of good connections? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Cameron remained calm. “I have to say you got a knack of falling into the wrong group of people. At the beginning of the semester it was that Berry kid’s gang, and now it’s that Knockerbutters whatsisname, the drama king.”

“It’s Knickerbucks. And do you realize it’s my good friends you’re insulting here?” she asked, remaining rather courteous.

“Lily, those people don’t deserve to be your friends.”

She let out a sarcastic laugh, absentmindedly dropping civility. “And you do? You shun everyone from your life and you call yourself – deserving?”

“I am. We have so many things in common, can’t you see? Listen, I see people for who they really are. Some of those guys are really sick. Knockerbutters, he auditioned for that lead role only because of that kissing scene in the end, knowing you’d positively land the lead female role.”

“It’s Jared Knickerbucks! And he didn’t get the lead role, Luke did.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, they’re both after that lead role because of you. Do you know how they talk about you after your rehearsals? It’s sick, but you can’t see any of that. I, though, can, and I’m gonna help you out of the wrong hole.”

Although this made her curious to hear what they did say behind her back, she didn’t want to give him the pleasure of believing his words. “The wrong hole? What makes us any less wrong than any of them?”

“I am, and you are. I see you, and I can’t find a single fault in you. And it bothers me.” Cameron looked down at this, sort of drowned in on the effect his own words had on his thoughts.

Lily was silent as the shock blew, being secretly flattered at this, and then she looked away, choosing to forget it. “I read your blog, you know.”

“You did?” he asked, a little hopefully.

“Yeah.” She looked at him square in the eyes. “I read what you wrote about Cassie-Loui.”

Cameron shrugged, the look of hopefulness gone. “So now you know.”

“How could you write something like that about her?”

“It’s not like she didn’t deserve it-”

“But that doesn’t make you less of a jerk! That was a hurtful thing to write about anyone,” she said this almost sounding like a kindergarten teacher scolding one of her students, which almost annoyed Cameron at once; he shook off the desire to make any comments about it.

“Look, I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never mentioned her name in that post, did I? She read my blog, realized that the series of events were extremely similar to her own and freaked out. Not my fault she kept stalking me.”

“You obviously knew she was one of your readers? You really have no regard for others, do you?” Her tone went up a notch.

Cameron extremely preferred this stern and brisk tone of hers rather than the earlier kindergarten-teacher one.

“Cassie-Loui doesn’t have any regard for herself. She tails some guy around –which, in this case, is me- sends him frequent love notes, and craves his attention every minute they’re around each other; dogs do that, but not girls. Girls should never lower their self-worth just because some guy-”

Lily cut, “Okay, I agree, but that’s what happens when you feel hopeless, you can’t help it. Haven’t you ever felt that way?”

“No,” Cameron answered confidently.

“When the person whose attention you crave the most is not giving it to you – you seriously have never felt it?”

Cameron lingered for a moment on some pop-up thoughts but pushed them away. “Listen, Cassie-Loui’s problem is not my problem. If it’s so bad then she should hire a shrink whose expertise is settling down infatuation issues. She didn’t deserve my attention and I don’t regret it. You know what she did, how she’s like, and so does everyone else. Don’t go running around defending her, she’s not exactly a saint.” He paused at this for a while, enjoying the effect of his words on her. His eyes penetrated into hers and she frankly felt this eerie sensation that he was trying to rape her mind.

Lily was livid she no longer cared. “You’re a stuck-up asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else!”

Cameron appeared to look neither upset nor taken-aback. “I am better than everyone else,” he said indifferently.

Lily’s jaw dropped in shock of hearing this. “I have nothing more to say to you.” She started walking away.

Cameron kept up with her. “What is wrong with you?”

Lily laughed shrilly and spun around. “What’s wrong with me? Seriously?”

“Well, obviously there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to be friends with you.”

“Nobody asks other people if they want to be friends –they’re just friends! We’re not in kindergarten anymore, Cameron! For God’s sake, I’m eighteen in June-” Lily’s hands were flailing in the air, but she was cut.

“I’m seventeen in February.”

“You’re sixteen?” A decipherable air of annoyed understanding dawned on Lily’s face, which then mixed with a taint of sarcasm that was now evident.

“Seventeen in February,” Cameron repeated.

“That explains.” She started walking away.

“What?”

“Why you’re acting like a kid!” she shot at him. “If you wanted to be friends with me at all at least you didn’t have to tell me that it was against your own will and you only resentfully did it, despite this, despite that, blah blah –grow up, Cameron!”

He stopped dead in his tracks. “If growing up means I have to lie to your face for pleasure’s sake and everyone else’s then sorry, that’ll never happen.”

She turned around again. “Growing up means you should go to the mirror and start counting off the faults you have in you and fix you! Nobody is appreciated for always finding faults in others! ‘Hey, look at her, what a bitch! Hey, you got fat lips! Hey, you need a nose job!’”

“I don’t care about anyone’s appearance,” Cameron said carelessly.

“That’s not the point! The point is everyone’s only the greatest judge they can be for themselves.” Lily thrashed her arms in the air out of frustration. She fired away, “I mean, what do you know about people? You hide in this little hole you call life, you don’t know anybody’s stories! But I, at least, I mingle with them! I can make up my own judgment in my head but it doesn’t mean I have the right to be all negative, because I’m not perfect myself! You have no right to judge anyone unless you’re a God – or half-God, in any case.”

“Don’t talk about Gods with me, I know the case. Even those Greek Gods are flawed, why’d you think all those catastrophes kept happening? Hercules became a mortal, Hades attacked Zeus, Zeus slept with a mortal and the lady gave birth to Perseus…”

Whether Cameron was deliberately deviating farther away from the point, Lily couldn’t tell, but she decided not to combat him further on this. “Then I guess that would prove my point even more. Even Gods are flawed, why would you not be?”

Cameron had a straight answer. “Because a human such as myself should only be in comparison with other humans. Not with Gods.”

Both of them only stood there in silence. Cameron, apparently, was persistent that he was, as he stated before himself, “better than everyone else”. Lily was beginning to get the idea that Cameron wasn’t teasing, that he dangerously believed he was, and she suddenly found him the most haughty, disdainful, skeptic, boastful, full-of-himself, everything-prone-to-badness individual on the face of the planet.

“People like you should be extinct. I don’t want you to talk to me ever again,” she said.

The impact was at once and obvious. Listening to this hurt Cameron more than his expectations had warned him in advance… Or perhaps, he hadn’t been prepared in getting hurt at all. “I’m afraid I was wrong about you,” Cameron broke the silence.

It broke Lily’s heart severely that Cameron was the one to say this; as if he were the victimized in the outcome of the event. “You are, Cameron, just like you are with everyone else! How dare you say I have lack of good connections?!” She was on the verge of tears and was sick of herself for it.

“I’m just saying that there are people out there who are more deserving of your connection than the people you are connected to now.”

A thought crossed Lily’s mind that made her face suddenly turn bright red. “What kind of connections are we talking about here?”

Cameron didn’t answer. Lily understood. “I get it. My dad’s not an architect and my mom’s not a dentist. In fact, my parents are divorced, how disgraceful is that, right? And now I have a slutty step mom.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said through gritted teeth. He was almost angry.

“…Is it my autistic step brother? Is it because I work at my aunt’s bistro on weekends and hang out with the infamous people of the suburbs who appear to be so undeserving to you? Is it because of my weird twin sister?”

“No, she doesn’t have anything to do with this-”

“Is it because my uncle was your Physics teacher in high school and you never liked his teaching because you were always disturbed by the untidy way he dressed to school among all you neat and powerful rich kids who ruled the realm while you were unmistakably his favorite student? Yeah, Cassie-Loui told me.”

He tried to speak despite the shock he was trying to defy. “I didn’t mean…” But he didn’t continue.

Lily couldn’t believe this. Cameron didn’t appear to be tenaciously refuting any of it. If she was hurt when Cameron began addressing these issues to her just minutes ago, it was nothing compared to the agony he’s aggravated upon her now. She looked away. “You were wrong about me, Cameron. I’m sorry if it turns out I’ll never be able to live up to your expectations of a friend. But hey, I just did you a favor, didn’t I? You just found a fault in me.”

Cameron tried to crop up a rebuttal for this, but it seemed that half of his brain seemed to consent with what she just said. He despised himself for it. “I guess this means I’ll never talk to you again?”

Despite all the hurt, Lily was surprised to find herself slightly dumbfounded by the thought. She sighed. “No, you won’t.”

It had started to rain for a while. Cameron just stood there looking at her for a moment, taking in the entirety of the current affair; her replies, her accusations, her name-calling, her rejection, her –and it was heartbreaking to see- luminous but dampen almond-shaped eyes… And then he walked away…only to turn back at her again.

“You know what?” he addressed her, “Before I go, I’d like to say this one thing to you: you’re just as stuck-up and high as I am.” He had that hard look on his face and Lily’s obstinacy wavered. “At least I got that right.”

“What?”

“You believe yourself to be above everyone else, even though you don’t say it aloud.”

Lily was taken aback. “I do not believe myself-”

“Singing in the church choirs every Sunday morning when everyone else is fast asleep in their dorms? Staying behind class and completing your model until sunset when everyone else knows it’s a Friday night? Never joining in pub gatherings your roommate invited you to and instead, choosing to spend the night enhancing your architecture-drawing skills alone in your room by the window? Waking up fresh in the morning when everyone else is stooped out of drinking the previous night? Reading Harry Potter fan fictions on the web while everyone else tunes in on the latest fashion and celebrity gossip? And you think I don’t know what goes through your mind when you compare yourself to these people, when you think of who landed at the better end? You, and that you’re better than them.”

Cameron let this fact sink a while, and when Lily was about to comeback with a retort, he continued, “I have countless evidence but I’m not staying here much longer, so get this: -” he stepped in much closer and it staggered Lily a little but she didn’t back away, “the reasons I fell for you are the same reasons you believe yourself to be better than everyone else.”

And he left Lily standing there by the lake alone with her own thoughts, her feet seemingly rooted to the ground, eyes distractedly gazing at the sun setting on the horizon, the direction where Cameron’s figure had been earlier. She couldn’t believe all this.

Lily was strangely upset by her own charges and rejection more than his last addresses to her. She couldn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. Probably, she hadn’t expected Cameron to give in so easily and let her go in a flash with a harsh bite back. Possibly, she only wanted Cameron to admit she was right and he was wrong, and that he could give her a promise she could hold on to, or look up to, or whatsoever. Cameron was, after all, Lily couldn’t help denying, one of those scarce, uncommon, striking young men who impossibly existed in the twenty-first century where not a girl in the modern world could afford to reject. But that same striking young man had wounded her feelings more than she had imagined possible – the request and then the accusations – and that was it… they’d never speak to each other again.

*

*Praying to God that I will be able to continue and finish this story or at least ONE of my stories, amen*

2011. Copyrighted.

All rights reserved.

The Fall.

DAFFA:

Dunia ini dan aku berelasi bagaikan sebuah kinematoscope dan penonton. Motion picture di dalam sebuah kotak yang disaksikan oleh satu penonton sekali putar. Bedanya hanya, aku bergerak bebas. Aku bergerak leluasa memutar sendiri film yang di hadapanku saat ini, dan aku memegang kuasa atasnya. Semua pilihanku menentukan bagaimana jalannya film-film itu ke depan, hingga bahkan aku sendiri tidak tahu bagaimana film itu akan berakhir. Oleh karena itu, selama ini aku tidak pernah membiarkan orang lain mempengaruhiku untuk menetapkan pilihanku. Ini adalah film di mana aku yang menentukan akhir jalan ceritanya. Dan aku akan memastikan bahwa aku bahagia dengan setiap pilihanku.

Ketika ayahku memaksaku mengambil kuliah kedokteran, aku tidak menghiraukannya sama sekali. Well, ketika aku mengharapkan dirinya menjadi ayah yang baik bagiku dan kakak-kakakku apakah ia menghiraukan? Relasi antar manusia yang satu dengan yang lainnya itu seperti sebuah tim dalam permainan basket. Kenali tim, bangun persaudaraan dan rasa saling percaya, dan ketika bermain kau tahu kau bermain menurut strategi yang benar, sesuai kepercayaan, ekspektasi, dan pengharapapan yang telah dibangun atas satu sama lain. Bahkan, setiap langkah, setiap bola yang kuopor itu adalah pilihan, dan jika rekanku tanggap ia akan meneruskan pola bermain yang telah kucanangkan di pikiranku dan bertindak sesuai harapan. Lalu, dia akan mengopor kepada si pemain nomor tujuh, and number seven scored, dan benar, kan, mereka melakukan sesuai yang kuharapkan?

Karena latihan telah membentuk kami menjadi keluarga yang bisa membuat kami membaca pikiran satu dengan yang lainnya. Jarang sekali tindak lanjut pemain yang satu dengan pemain yang lainnya melenceng dari yang diharapkan. Secara tidak langsung sesi-sesi latihan, termasuk tentunya sesi pertandingan, telah mengajarkan kami tentang satu dan yang lainnya, sehingga dengan yakin kukatakan, aku juga membalas kepercayaan mereka terhadapku, dan aku tidak pernah mengecewakan mereka. Tidak hanya dalam permainan basket, aku yakin dalam permainan lain juga begitu. Hanya saja tempo permainan basket yang cepat mengharuskan kami untuk berpikir dan mengambil keputusan ekstra cepat. Kalau tidak, we'll lose the upper hand.

Aku tidak mempercayai ayahku, kenapa aku harus mengopor bolaku padanya dan menaruh harapan padanya untuk menjalankan pola yang kurencanakan untuk hidupku, to score in the game? In my game? Jika suatu hubungan tidak bisa dibangun di atas pondasi saling percaya, maka hubungan itu tidak akan berjalan. Jangan pernah harapkan apa-apa dariku jika kau tidak bisa memberikan hal yang sama padaku untuk diharapkan. Jangan berharap aku memenuhi permintaanmu jika selama ini harapanku padamu kau sia-siakan. Demikian hubungan ayahku dan aku.

Aku ingat hari di mana kedua orangtuaku memberitahu aku dan kedua kakak laki-lakiku keputusan mereka untuk berpisah, setelah enam belas tahun berumah tangga. Saat itu aku berusia sepuluh tahun. Aku tidak bisa menggambarkan bagaimana hancur berkeping-kepingnya perasaanku hari itu karena itu terlalu menyakitkan; mengilustrasikannya lewat kata-kata tidak akan pernah cukup sampai kapanpun. Yang jelas, aku terpukul berat, dan aku tidak berbicara kepada orang tuaku selama berminggu-minggu... Mereka mengkhianati kepercayaanku selama ini. Tapi..., ini bukan cerita tentang orang tuaku. Aku menceritakan semua ini padamu, karena Azka mengetahuinya, dan itulah yang merupakan titik balik hubungan kami yang terjalin selama ini.

I am now vulnerable in her eyes.
Azka dan aku beda jurusan; dia Arsitektur, dan aku Teknik Kimia. Cerita bagaimana kita bisa saling mengenal itu sebenarnya...sangat biasa saja, walaupun aku sudah beberapa kali melihat dirinya di kampus sebelumnya, entah itu di Kantin Teknik, di Lapangan Teknik ketika sedang gencar-gencarnya Teknik Cup, atau sekedar lalu-lalang di koridor, dan di pikiranku, ok, dia termasuk lumayan...untuk ukuran mahasiswi di Teknik.

Sampai suatu hari di mana aku berkenalan dengannya langsung, dan ini semua dimulai berkat teman baikku, Dika; jika bukan karena Dika mundur dari tim debat bahasa Inggris akibat terlalu sibuk dengan kegiatan di MPM dan lain sebagainya kala itu, aku tidak akan pernah maju menggantikannya...dan mengenal Azka.

Waktu itu adalah bulan April di tahun kedua perkuliahan, dan di kampus sedang berlangsung OIM FTUI. Hari berlangsungnya final debat antara Arsitektur melawan Teknik Kimia pun datang, dan Azka merupakan salah satu dari tim oposisi. Mungkin kau sudah bisa menduga apa yang terjadi selanjutnya. Dia tidak berbicara sebaik temannya dalam hal struktur argumen ataupun percaya diri, walaupun bahasa Inggris-nya sangat fluent, tapi dia membantai argumen-argumenku dan mempelintir fakta-fakta yang kulontarkan habis-habisan demi keuntungan timnya, dan aku tidak habis pikir kenapa dia terlihat begitu kesal padaku lewat sorot matanya itu. Ketika debat selesai dan kedua tim bersalaman, dia hanya tidak tersenyum padaku, sedangkan kepada dua temanku yang lain ia tersenyum. I admittedly was amused, tapi seperti biasanya aku tak ambil pusing.

Ketika duduk di kursi penonton menunggu dewan juri selesai berdiskusi, Dika sempat-sempatnya muncul di auditorium dan duduk dengan tim Arsitektur karena pacar barunya itu adalah first speaker tim Arsitektur yang bicara tadi. Aku menghampirinya dan bercanda mengatai dirinya pengkhianat, lalu ia mengenalkanku pada pacar barunya...dan Azka yang duduk di sebelah pacarnya. Aku bisa melihat Azka memalsukan senyumnya ketika diperkenalkan denganku, dan ketika Dika menyuruhku duduk di sebelahnya, Azka menjauhkan kursinya. Aku ingin tertawa. Was it something I said in the debate?

Semenjak itu aku selalu berpikir bahwa Azka tak menyukaiku. Setelah mengenalnya lebih dekat, dia akhirnya memberitahu alasan sebenarnya dia bersikap seperti itu...but we'll get to that later.

Dari perkenalan di final debat, insiden di mana dia memarahiku di sebuah sesi latihan debat untuk OIM UI, hingga waktu itu... waktu di mana sesuatu terjadi yang mengoyak-ngoyak pertahananku sehingga aku tak dapat menahan diri menangis di hadapannya.

Semenjak orangtuaku bercerai, aku memutuskan, akulah yang menetapkan pilihan hidupku ke depan. Aku tahu jika aku yang mengambil pilihan itu atas kehendakku sendiri, aku tidak akan menyesal. Akulah yang berkuasa atas diriku sendiri, dan akulah yang menentukan apapun langkah ke depan yang harus kuambil. Maka ketika aku mengopor bola di dalam permainan basket, aku bukan semata-mata mempercayai rekan setimku, tapi mempercayai naluriku, instingku. Ketika aku berperan dalam filmku sendiri, aku sekaligus sebagai sutradara dan penulis naskah. Dunia ini milikku, layaknya seorang penonton film dan kinematoscope.

Akulah yang mengambil pilihan-pilihan itu. Jika pun aku menyesal, setidaknya aku tahu bahwa akulah yang memilih itu dan saat itu, aku punya alasan-alasan yang bagus. Hubungan yang kubangun dengan orang lain, semuanya dilandaskan atas rasa saling percaya seperti tim permainan basket, dan aku tidak akan pernah menaruh ekspektasi apapun terhadap orang dan berharap mereka akan peduli padaku ataupun pilihan-pilihan yang kuambil, kecuali mereka layak mendapatkan tempat itu. Ketika kau tidak percaya pada orang itu, kau tidak mengopor bola, kau menentukan aksimu sendiri, kau mempercayai pilihanmu sendiri. Seperti yang kukatakan, tiap langkah yang kuambil dalam bermain adalah pilihanku. That's how it is with people.

Aku tahu repetisi tentang permainan basket ini membuatmu jenuh, muak mungkin, tapi aku mengulang-ulang ini karena aku sendiri...berusaha membuat diriku mengerti. Mengerti posisiku dalam permainanku sendiri -dalam hubunganku dengan orang lain. Dalam filmku sendiri -dalam hidupku.

And now, there's Azka.

Sebelum aku bisa merasakan kepercayaan timbal balik itu dengan dirinya, pertahananku sudah terlanjur runtuh, dan aku menangis di hadapannya. Titik balik itu.

"Gimana filmnya?"

"Yang Before-Before? Sucks."

"Lah? Kenapa?"

Because it makes me think of being away from you and it hurts. 

"Sucks aja."

"Ah, payah lu."

"Ya, ya, okay, screenplay bagus, chemistry antara Ethan Hawke dan si cewek juga bagus banget deh..."

"Ya kan? Lebih suka Sunrise or Sunset?" 

"Sunset. You mean the sun, right?" 

"I mean the movie." 

Aku hanya diam, melihat ke dalam matanya. Sebentar lagi gue bakal pisah sama lo, Ka, how can you expect me to be happy with movies like that at this moment?

...A recorded memory. Not long ago.

Ikatan.

AZKA:

Dari kejauhan, aku masih bisa melihatnya. Aku bisa melihatnya dengan jelas, in my mind's eye. Hari-hari setelah ia pergi, kedua mataku berhenti merekam seluruh adegan yang berlansung di hadapannya dengan teliti. Dulu, aku adalah pemerhati hal-hal terkecil yang biasanya tak dipedulikan orang, dan biasanya aku selalu mengingatnya. Tapi sekarang, aku seolah-olah lupa untuk merekam semua itu. Bagaimana caranya, jika otakku sibuk memutar memori tentang dia yang sekarang berada amat sangat jauh di sana? Jika mata di dalam pikiranku sibuk melihatnya? Waktu yang tak kulalui dengan berbicara dengannya terasa hambar. Yang paling parah, aku selalu merasakan semacam lubang besar yang menganga di suatu tempat di hatiku sekarang. Beginikah rasanya? Jika ini masih belum cinta namanya, aku tidak tahu apakah aku masih sanggup menerimanya ketika ia datang. Seperti yang diucapkan tokoh yang diperankan Ben Affleck di film Chasing Amy, Holden,

"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."

Tadi malam, aku terguncang karena sesuatu yang dikatakan Daffa padaku. Sungguh. Benar-benar.

Kenapa dia baru menanyakannya sekarang?

Setelah dia pergi, aku sempat berpikir dia tidak serius mengatakan yang dia katakan padaku sebelumnya. Apalagi, setelah hari ulang tahunku, kami sempat tidak berkomunikasi selama empat hari. Empat hari yang cukup membuatku depresi (bayangkan, cuma gara-gara dirinya). Pikiran yang aneh-aneh merasuki benakku. Apa yang terjadi? Secepat inikah dia menemukan yang baru? Dan hari berikutnya, aku ditiupkan angin kelegaan di atas kelegaan; ia muncul. Lalu kami akhirnya melanjutkan komunikasi lewat segala macam bentuk social networking online yang tak perlu disebutkan lagi.

Sudah tiga minggu semenjak hari ulang tahunku. Dan ia baru menanyakannya sekarang. Sudah berminggu-minggu aku bertanya-tanya, kenapa dia tidak pernah menanyakan itu? Waktu itu, kupikir mendengar dirinya menyatakan perasaannya saja cukup. Lama kelamaan, aku mulai sadar, mungkinkah itu berarti bahwa ia hanya ingin aku tahu perasaannya, tapi ia tak ingin bersamaku karena satu dan lain hal yang ia pendam? Mungkinkah, ada beberapa kekurangan di dalam diriku yang tak bisa ia terima? Aku tidak tahu. Sungguh selama berminggu-minggu aku hanya menghibur diriku sendiri dengan memori sehari sebelum keberangkatannya ke Jepang, dan segala bentuk perhatian yang pernah ia tumpahkan padaku semenjak kami mulai dekat.

Tak sekalipun aku ragu memberikan jawabanku. Like are you kidding? This is what I've wanted for a LONG TIME! Aku telah sangat ingin menjalani hubungan seperti ini dengan seseorang semenjak SMA. Kebanyakan menonton film drama-romance dan membaca novel-novel ber-genre serupa membuatku malah menjadikan itu sebagai impianku, betapa bodohnya. Dan pada saat itu, aku sudah tahu yang kuinginkan bukan hubungan pacaran anak SMA yang labil dan penuh drama, aku menginginkan yang serius, yang tulus, tanpa drama. Namun, tentu saja aku tidak mengekspresikan diriku seperti itu ketika ia menanyakan pertanyaan itu padaku, yang benar saja. Daffa itu orangnya dewasa, setidaknya aku berusaha mengimbangi sedikit kedewasaannya dengan bersikap...sok misterius sedikit. Yang jelas, aku menjawab iya.

Cara menanyakannya saja berbeda. Tidak sekalipun ia menyebutkan kata "pacar" atau "cewek" atau bahkan, "be mine". No, he didn't say it like that. Dia mengatakan,

"Ka, gue cukup mengenal lo untuk tahu kalau lo ngga suka terikat sama apapun. But, unless I'm mistaken, you feel the same way about me. Gue ngga mau ribet lagi dengan pikiran-pikiran yang cuma nambah berat semuanya. Yang gue tahu, gue sayang sama lo dan gue pengen terus ada buat lo. Gue minta maaf karena ini datangnya ngga lebih awal dan sekarang gue udah jauh dari lo, tapi walaupun gue jauh, gue bakal berusaha untuk selalu mastiin gue ada. Gue udah nanya sama diri gue sendiri, dan jawabannya, ya, gue mau terikat, gue sangat yakin. Seperti sepasang benang kusut yang ngga bisa dipisahkan lagi, seperti lautan ngga terpisahkan dari darat. Dan gue tahu, gue ngga bakal tenang sebelum gue menanyakan ini. Walaupun lo ngga bisa lihat gue saat ini, lo harus tahu bahwa permintaan gue ini amat sangat tulus dan ini yang sejujurnya gue rasakan. Azka, lo mau terikat sama gue?"

Aku sempat mudik ke sebuah dunia paralel di mana waktu tak berjalan. Aku hanya menatap layar dengan mulut tercengang dan tangan kaku di atas keyboard. Selama beberapa detik, aku hanya terpaku. Sementara aku mematung, aku sedang memberikan ruang pada kebahagiaan membuncah-buncah di dalam hatiku untuk berledakan seperti kembang api di malam tahun baru. Lalu selanjutnya, kebahagiaan itu menyebar dan aku merasakan pacu adrenalin yang sangat kuat lalu aku bangkit dan, seperti hari dia menyatakan perasaannya itu, jingkrak-jingkrak sendirian di kamar.

Aku membaca kalimat-kalimat itu berulang-ulang, dan di dalam kebahagiaanku yang tak terbayangkan, yang kupikirkan sambil senyum-senyum sendiri hanya, "Dasar Humas BEM, tipikal." Omongannya terstruktur, diksinya terpilih, semuanya tertata. But I didn't mind. Mengetahui Daffa, aku sudah yakin bahwa ia telah susah payah memikirkan bagaimana cara yang tepat untuk mengatakannya, dan yang terpenting, bahwa ia tulus.

Aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta sebelumnya, dan sepengetahuanku, Daffa juga tidak pernah. Mungkin, lebih tepatnya, dia tidak sempat.

Selama perkuliahan, aku mengenal Daffa sebagai orang yang sangat berdedikasi terhadap komitmennya menjalani segala sesuatu yang dia pilih, masuk dalam organisasi BEM tidak semata-mata untuk eksis, tapi benar-benar mengincar pengalaman dan menyalurkan aspirasi dan pendapatnya. Buktinya, ia mampu mengimbangi kesibukan organisasi dengan tuntutan tugas dan persaingan yang begitu tinggi di jurusannya. Seolah belum cukup, dia juga atlet basket di Fakultas Teknik... Aku tak habis pikir bagaimana anak itu mengatur waktunya. Setelah dekat, aku akhirnya tahu; Daffa itu orangnya santai, tapi disiplin waktu. Dia jarang sekali menghabiskan waktunya untuk main-main jika ia merasa masih ada tanggung jawab yang belum ia penuhi. Aku benar-benar salut. Masuk akal kan jika waktu untuk pacaran jadinya juga tidak ada?

Lalu, bagaimana bisa dia sempat-sempatnya melihatku...lalu memilihku? Aku yang biasa-biasa saja dan amat sangat pasif ini, dia memilihku. Hingga sekarang, aku selalu berbunga-bunga memikirkan ini. Selama ini, aku terus bermimpi. Kapan saatnya datang di mana aku bisa merasakan hubungan spesial itu dengan orang yang tepat? Aku sempat curiga diriku akan menjadi an old maid. Tapi, Tuhan maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang, aku benar-benar tidak percaya, I'm living it now. Dan terlebih lagi, bersama seorang Daffa. Daffa yang sejak dulu selalu kukagumi dari kejauhan.

Aku menjawab iya.

Aku hanya ingin dicintai seperti Fatimah dicintai Ali, seperti Khadijah dicintai Rasul. Aku ingin tidak terpisahkan, seperti sepasang benang kusut yang tak bisa diurai lagi, seperti lautan tak terpisahkan dari darat.

"Iya, Daff, gue mau."

Azka.

DAFFA:

Aku adalah pemimpi banyak hal yang tak mungkin. Mimpi-mimpi yang indah untuk diimpikan, tapi menghadang bagai serbuan ribuan shuriken yang siap mengoyak-ngoyak...lalu aku pun terbangun di realita. Namun, jika aku lihai, mungkin aku bisa menangkap shuriken-shuriken itu satu per satu dan menyimpannya untuk koleksi. Shuriken itu senjata ninja super sakti, super, dan kalo aku punya banyak akan kutempelkan sebagai hiasan di dinding kamarku. Intinya, tinggal bagaimana kita mempersiapkan diri kita untuk menghadapi mimpi-mimpi itu. Jika persiapan diri baik, aku tidak jadi 'terbunuh'...namun bagaimana jika aku tidak mempersiapkan diri sama sekali? Terkoyak-koyaklah ragaku. Aku harap ini masuk akal bagimu.

Tapi aku sangat menginginkan shuriken-shuriken itu. Mungkin untuk selanjutnya aku dapat mempersenjatai diriku dengan itu. Dan, akhirnya, aku mulai membekali ragaku dengan segala ilmu yang dapat membantuku bergerak dan bereaksi super cepat, refleks super fleksibel. Aku belajar menguasai pedang. Lama kelamaan pedang seolah-seolah menjadi perpanjangan dari tangaku, menjadi tanganku. Lalu aku pun menjadi samurai. Sehingga suatu hari kemudian muncullah sekelompok remaja kura-kura ninja menyerang...musuh abadiku. Okay, so, maybe not like the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Masalahnya adalah, ada satu hal. Hal ini tak pernah menjadi bagian dari mimpiku. Maka ketika ia datang, pedang samuraiku, bahkan shuriken-shuriken itu, tak berdaya. Apa yang harus kulakukan? Salah satu mimpiku mulai terwujud menjadi kenyataan. Ini tahun ketiga kuliah, dan aku akhirnya mendapatkan beasiswa untuk transfer selama satu tahun di sebuah universitas ternama Jepang. Satu tahun... lumayan. Lumayan, dalam arti...aku harus menunggu cukup lama untuk melihatnya lagi.

Yang membuatku bingung adalah aku tak pernah merasakan ini sebelumnya, mengimpikannya saja tidak. Aku mengesampingkan semua pikiran itu untuk nanti, ketika aku sudah kerja, sudah mapan, tidak mau mimpi-mimpiku membunuhku dalam kelengahanku. Tapi, apa mau dikata? Pada awalnya ketika ia datang aku mengutuk diriku, dasar bodoh, dasar lemah, tapi bukan serbuan ribuan shuriken yang datang mengoyak-ngoyak. Tubuhku utuh...ia hanya mengoyak hatiku. Mengoyak hatiku, dan aku membiarkannya.

Aku membiarkannya.

Yang paling meyiksa adalah malam-malam itu, ketika sendiri, dan pikiran-pikiran tentangnya muncul. Perasaan itu menyakitkan sekali, amat sangat menyakitkan, berkali-kali aku harus menahan diri untuk meraih handphone dan meneleponnya. Kenapa perasaan itu membuatmu ingin selalu mendengar suaranya? Aku sering tidak bisa tidur dibuatnya. Ia membuatku bertanya-tanya banyak hal tentang dirinya. Aku tak mengerti, aku benar-benar tak mengerti. Kukira hanya mimpi-mimpiku yang bisa membuatku seperti ini. Masih lumayan, aku masih bisa menangkal serangan-serangannya dengan keahlianku, tapi dirinya? Aku sama sekali lost.

Ah! Dan jauh darinya sama sekali tidak memperbaiki keadaan. Walaupun aku sudah menyatakan perasaanku padanya sebelum berangkat. Walaupun dia tidak berkata apa-apa, dari reaksinya aku tahu dia merasakan hal yang sama. Lalu kenapa harus berpisah sekarang? Kenapa ketika mimpiku sedang baik padaku, prospek dengannya justru juga sangat bagus ke depannya jika aku tetap di sana? Atau ini justru hanya efek keberangkatanku ke Jepang? Mungkin aku harus berterimakasih. Kalau bukan karena mimpiku yang terwujud menjadi kenyataan ini, aku tidak akan pernah terbuka dengannya tentang perasaanku. Tapi seperti yang kukatakan, berada jauh darinya malah semakin membuat perasaanku berantakan, konsentrasiku terpecahkan, stabilitasku terganggu...stabilitas dalam belajar, tentunya, aku tidak akan pernah mengakui diriku galau. Galau itu untuk para anak yang masih hijau. Tidak, aku tidak pernah mengikuti trend galau, aku hanya... berusaha jujur pada perasaanku sendiri.

Kemajuan teknologi memungkinkan kami untuk berkomunikasi setiap hari, tapi aku tak bisa menghindarkan diriku dari pikiran aku tidak bersama dengannya... ketakutan bahwa ketidakberadaanku di sana akan membuatnya... lupa. Untuk pertama kalinya, aku takut dilupakan. Selama ini aku tidak peduli apa yang dipikirkan orang tentangku. Tapi aku sangat peduli apa yang dia pikirkan tentangku. Aku takut ada yang mengambilnya dariku. Di tahun pertama kuliah, aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebagai perempuan yang cantik, tapi entah bagaimana, setelah mengenalnya dengan baik, I saw her in a new light. Sungguh, aku seolah-olah melihatnya sebagai orang yang berbeda, ternyata selama ini, dia itu cantik, aku saja yang tidak melihatnya. Dan aku takut, jika ada yang melihatnya seperti aku melihatnya. Lebih baik aku loncat dari tebing tinggi daripada mengakui hal ini, tapi jika aku loncat, aku akan mati, dan aku takkan pernah bertemu dengannya lagi.

Antara mimpi dan dirinya. Siapa yang menyangka dikoyak-koyak hatimu oleh seorang manusia tak bersenjata bisa lebih menyakitkan? Aku ingin mengikatnya padaku, ingin memastikan tak akan ada yang bisa mengambilnya dariku, tapi demi Tuhan aku bukan manusia posesif, aku ingin tetap memberikannya kebebasan. Long distance relationships rarely work, and they hurt. Aku tidak ingin mengambil resiko itu. But, then again... Maybe I want to take that risk. But what about her?

Jika menembakkan pistol ke kepalaku bisa menyelesaikan semua masalah ini, pasti sudah kulakukan.

Mungkin, yang terbaik adalah membicarakannya dengannya. Apakah dia ingin terikat? Aku harus bertanya, satu pertanyaan itu saja, untuk membuat hatiku merasa secure. Menyatakan perasaan saja tidak cukup, semuanya masih gantung. Mungkin itu kunci dari kerisauan ini. Aku ingin tertawa. Tidak pernah seumur hidupku keyakinanku terhadap diri sendiri bergantung pada sebuah jawaban dari orang lain.

I truly meant it when I told you I loved you, Azka, truly.